Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I need a beard to bite.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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