I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
