The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Randomize
