My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
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