The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize
