is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
