Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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