The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
