And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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