I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
