just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
