I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
how drunk are you?
Several
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
