He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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