a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
