Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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