a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
