Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
