I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
