Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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