My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
