he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
