JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You are the jesus of drinking
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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