Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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