genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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