why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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