The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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