If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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