Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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