So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
