batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Randomize
