as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
