Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Too much gin, very little bucket
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Randomize
