I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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