well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
