my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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