I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
my poor anus
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
