you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Randomize
