All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
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We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
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I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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