I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Hippo gnu deer
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
