Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
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