i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
