I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
