Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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