I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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