You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
