i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize