Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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