Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect