Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
