Its a bunch of hippies dancing in front of a stobe light. For ten dollars I could have gone to the strip club and at least had a lap dance
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
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We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
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I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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