the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
