Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
you traded sex for a burrito?
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
