Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
