I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
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