The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
