I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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