No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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