theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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