She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
