I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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